Since I Was 18
by eprouvcr
Summary: An alternative ending for Jess and Rory starting at season 4 epsisode 13. Literati AU COMPLETED
1. one: a confession

**_disclaimer : I do not own gilmore girls and quite frankly I don't know why I have to put a disclaimer and I hate doing it but lol I did it anyways._**

 **one: a confession**

Jess stood outside of Gyspy's Garage, waiting for Gypsy herself to finish up with the rest of her things. She gestured a hand and Jess reached for his wallet.

"Thank you for your business, do not come again." Gypsy said, disinterested and annoyed, as she took the money from Jess' hands counting the bills.

"Not likely." Jess responded in his usual deadpan tone. He quickly entered his car, pulling down the sun visor to retrieve his keys from their place. A thick envelope fell down with them, landing with a thud in his lap. He opened the envelope to five bills, all Benjamins. Jess sighed, immediately knowing who the money was from, and exited his car.

But there she was. Her hair was short, sitting right at her shoulders. Jess' breath caught in his throat, there she was after a year with hair shorter than he's used to and here he was with all his emotions and feelings the same as they were when he left.

And then, she turned with her eyes immediately locking with his as the gazed at each other. Before he could speak she had repositioned her stance and looked ready to bolt.

"No, I get to run away first!" she shouted before making a mad dash away from him. His feet moved before his brain could process and he was running after her calling her name.

"Rory wait, stop!" Jess called after her, trying to keep up with her sprint.

"No! You don't get to walk away!" she called behind her as she maneuvered through the throngs of people.

"Hold on!"

"My town, I leave!"

"I just wanna— where are you going?" Jess haltered as he almost kept running into people.

"None of your business!"

"We look like idiots." Jess yelled after her as he could feel the lingering stares of Stars Hollow residents.

"I don't care!"

"Stop running!"

"Stop following!"

"Oh, come on!" He exclaimed as she picked up her pace.

"Go away, I'm leaving!"

"Rory, stop!"

"Why?" Rory stopped, finally.

"Because I wanna talk to you." Jess sighed as her face morphed from mild annoyance to frustration.

"About what? What do you want to talk to me about?" She folded her arms in front of her.

"When did you learn to run like that?" Jess panted, pointing limply to where they were before. Rory rolled her eyes as a quick silence lapsed over them.

"You know," she started, "I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go."

Jess took a deep breath, suddenly very nervous. "Could we sit down?"

"No." Rory said firmly. "You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?"

Jess paused for a second. A second that felt like years to Rory.

Finally, with a sharp intake of breath, Jess just let the words slip from his lips, consequences be damned.

"I love you."


	2. two: the aftermath

**two: aftermath**

Rory just stared back blankly, at a loss for words. Jess loved — loves — her and she couldn't do, or say, anything. Her mind was racing, thinking and not stopping, flooding her brain with memories. One particular one stood out: when he called her and said nothing, when she answered and said everything. She might have loved him, she never knew he might have — definitely now — loved her too. He never stayed long enough for her to find out.

And it felt like the entire world was crashing into her.

Jess stared at her for just a second longer before giving up with a sigh. She wasn't going to say anything now, or probably ever, and all of his feelings were out in the open. With a slight nod and all of his emotions coursing through him, he ran to his car and sped off; feeling for the first time since he was eight, like he wanted to cry.

Rory watched him go, ignoring the constant stares, and just stood. She just stood as her eyes welled up with tears before blinking rapidly and turning on her heel. She ran back to the burger line just before her mom caught up with her with the rest of their food.

"Hey hun, you okay? What happened?" Lorelai asked eyes roaming her daughter's face. She was closed off, but definitely feeling something, Lorelai noticed.

"I don't want to talk, let's just finish up here." Rory said with her chest tight and her throat clogged with unshed tears. Lorelai just nodded, not wanting to push Rory.

"Luke!?" Jess called into the empty diner, all the chairs stacked in tables and all the coffee mugs on the counter. Jess looked around as he waited, hoping Luke was home and not at Nicole's. Just as frantic as Jess sounded, Luke was down the stairs and in the diner.

"Jess? You leaving?" Luke asked eyeing the boy in front of him. Jess looked down to avoid Luke's gaze as he sniffled slightly.

"Uh, no. Not yet." Jess shook his head, trying to calm himself. "Can I—?"

"Yeah you can stay here, your bed is still the same." Luke nodded knowingly, gesturing towards the stairs. Jess took a deep breath and followed the man who meant a lot to him — not like he'd ever say that to him though.

Jess was soon settled and Luke had turned off the lights and they were both left to each their racing minds.

Jess was gone before the rest of the town was awake. He had quickly packed everything up and had made his bed — something he never would have done but he needed to keep busy otherwise his thoughts would continue racing. He was on a bus before Luke's alarm even went off and he was headed to a place he didn't know filled with people he wouldn't care to ever get to know. His head hung low as he read from a book, a pen in his hand ready for what ever notes he wanted to write in the margins. His notes were always somehow about something Rory would have liked about the book. And he wasn't going to deny that the reason he still read and wrote in books he wouldn't have ever read but Rory would've, was to stay somehow connected to her.

And the amount of books was still growing.

When Luke had woken up and noticed the bed made, he almost felt as if Jess asking to stay was a dream. But it wasn't, the note and twenty dollar bill on the table was a clear indicator. Luke sighed and he put the twenty in his pocket and picked up the note.

 _"Thank You."_


	3. three: jess and luke

**three:** **jess and luke.**

 _a few months pass._

Jess sighed as he stood outside the diner, not too excited to see how the guy who owns it would react to him here — again. Jess was only here for the wedding and then he was out of there again. He didn't care for this town, he might never will, but he cared for his mother. No matter what she did or what her new guy will do, Jess would always care for his mother. That is why he's here, to see her and no one else.

Except maybe Luke.

Luke meant a lot more to Jess than the younger boy let on, Luke was Jess' guidepost — his only sense of stability.

And Jess hated himself for how things were left off between them. Jess was tired, tired of the pent up aggravation and hostility towards each other. Jess was hoping for reciprocation. God did he want to repay Luke for everything he was only learning to appreciate now.

Deciding that he wants all of this over quicker than it could possibly go, he opened the door and was immediately heading to the stairs calling out to Luke on his way:

"I'm not paying for a motel, so I'm staying with you."

Luke stared back at where Jess was just a second before. Jess was here, for Liz's wedding after he said he wasn't coming. Jess came after Luke told him to come. Luke had gotten through to the troubled boy. Luke had managed to get Jess' rough exterior to crack, emitting the vulnerable feelings to boy held inside.

And Luke held that with him, that feeling he felt when Jess has finally let Luke in. Even if neither man realized it, it had happened.

For whatever reason, Luke set aside all his anger and just felt glad. Glad that his nephew was her for his own mother — as he should be.

 **xxxxx**

For Jess, the wedding felt years away after the day he had. For starters, he didn't even _want_ to be there, and secondly, he got into a fight with his uncle during his future step dad's bachelor party.

It had been silent since the two men had walked into the diner late at night until Luke sighed.

"Hmm." Luke noised. "Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew. A fight. I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade. Vince Williams called me a doodyhead. I took it very personally. But you know what? Tonight was good. Tonight something happened to me. I achieved this great sense of calm. No more anger, no more frustration. Live and let live. You are who you are. I cannot change that, and I'm gonna stop trying. I wish I'd felt this earlier. Then I wouldn't have dragged you down here. I apologize for that. But, I mean, if you really hate your mother that much, then you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't walk her down the aisle, and you shouldn't go to her wedding."

Jess winced internally at Luke's words, "I don't hate my mother."

Luke raised and eyebrow, "You don't? Well, then, I don't get it. Why weren't you coming -- because of me? You hate me that much?"

"I don't hate you." Jess sighed, "I came here because of you."

"Stop that." Luke warned.

"You said it was important to you. Remember?" Jess pointedly looked at Luke.

"I didn't think you were listening."

"I was listening."

"So," Luke mused, "you don't hate your mom, you don't hate me, so...why weren't you coming?"

Jess looked at Luke with a certain painful look in his eye.

"No." Luke was shocked, but not conpletely. "Rory still? That's ancient history. You haven't seen her in a year."

Jess shook his head, "I saw her when I was here a few months ago."

"I didn't know that." This though, Luke was genuinely shocked about. "So, what happened?"

"Nothing." Jess sighed, "I told her, uh..."

"What?"

"I told her I loved her."

"Wow!" Luke was having a hard time processing everything coming at him at once. Love, Jess was in love. "What did she say?"

"Nothing."

"What, you just said it and walked away?"

"No. I got in my car and left."

"You just dropped the bomb and ran?"

"I drove." Jess corrected.

"You didn't want stick around to see what she said?"

"No." Jess shook his head. "And obviously, she had nothing to say."

"How do you know?"

"She could have contacted me anytime in the last three months, but she didn't."

"What are you talking about? You change your phone number weekly."

Jess scoffed. "The ball was in her court."

"Oh, Jess, come on." Luke refrained from sighing again. Too much of that tonight. "You did this completely wrong. Open two-way communication is the foundation of love, and you cut that off. I had this friend -- let's call him Phillip -- who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool."

"Who the hell is Judy?"

"Phillip's wife. We call her Judy."

"I wasn't bargaining."

"You were bargaining." Luke countered. "You had expectations out of line with what you deserved. You don't nurture."

"Where are you getting this junk?" Jess asked incredulously.

"Life. I've lived." Luke shrugged nonchalantly.

"What," Jess scoffed, "in a Bette Midler movie?"

"I'm just trying to help you out." Luke reasoned.

"Oh, please." Jess rolled his eyes. "You are the most dysfunctional person I know."

"Not anymore." Luke fought.

"Your marriage to Nicole -- nothing but weird."

"I'm better now." Luke insisted.

"Yeah, right. Right. Oh, man. We're just a couple of losers."

"Well, things change, my friend."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Stay tuned." Luke stood, heading towards the stairs. "You really told her you loved her? Huh."

 **xxxxx**

authors note; yikes this is crazy long but I might have another chapter up tonight/later today. thank you for the reviews, please keep reviewing!


	4. four: liz and tj and renaissance themes

**four: liz and tj and renaissance themes**

Jess was trying his hardest to avoid TJ as he got ready with him and Luke. Luke was messing with shoe polish getting more frustrated by the minute. Jess sighed standing up next to Luke.

"What is wrong with this shoe polish?" Luke asked, frustration obvious.

"Pontius Pilate was alive when you bought it?" Jess offered sarcastically.

"Shoe polish goes bad?" Luke asks warily examining his shoe.

"It's all chunky." Jess observed with slight disgust.

"Aah, it messed up my shoes."

"Just wipe them off, they'll be fine."

TJ came out of the bathroom in nothing but his tights and Jess inwardly shuddered, more than mildly disgusted.

"Don't you have a full length mirror?" TJ asked, not noticing the awkwardness in the room.

"Don't need one." Luke avoided his gaze.

Jess tuned out the rest of their conversation, until the conversation was directed towards him again.

TJ said to Jess, "he's very nervous."

"I'm not nervous." Luke insisted.

"Maybe it's time you put a shirt on." Jess countered to TJ.

"Why, am I getting you hot?"

Jess ignored his comment, "I need the bathroom."

"Just hold on." Luke sighed.

"I am lovin' these tights. They're fantastic. They lend support everywhere you need it, but they breathe.

Both Luke and Jess ignored TJ, Jess focused on Luke, who was trying to choose a tie.

"This one."

Luke nodded, "Thanks."

TJ called to Luke, "Hey, Luke, I had to borrow your deodorant. I hope that's okay."

Luke winced, "Ohh."

"Allow me." Jess took it and tossed it into the trash.

 **xxxxx**

Jess sighed as he stared at the book in front of him, the one his uncle had given him — thrown at him — out of the blue. A stupid self help book about love. Why did Luke have it? Why did Luke give it him? It was all ridiculous but Jess couldn't stop himself from reading it.

And it was getting to his head.

All he could think about was that night, that stupid night where he let himself be vulnerable. Where he opened his heart and ran. He couldn't think of anything besides what she could have said.

If he stayed, what would she have said? What would have happened?

Was she seeing anyone?

Jess wanted to know but he didn't want anyone to know that he wanted to know. He didn't want to seem pathetic.

So instead, he sulked. He sulked and read the self help book hidden in a magazine.

 **xxxxx**

Jess had to admit, the wedding was beautiful. His mother looked genuinely happy— and although the entire ceremony was absolutely ridiculous, he somewhat enjoyed it. Not like he'd tell anyone that though.

After the ceremony and after the reception (which was awkward on so many levels) Jess had an idea stuck in his head and.he just couldn't get it out.

He wanted to see Rory, consequences be damned.

Luke walked in then, when Jess was pulling on his jacket ready to leave. Leave and do something he might regret.

"Oh, hey. You leaving?" Luke asked, noticing Jess was packed.

Jess shrugged, "Just hanging around, see if I'd catch you."

"Good, I'm glad you did. You can stay a couple more days, if you want." Luke offered, looking at Jess with an unidentifiable emotion. "There's no rush."

"Gotta get back to work." Jess said, in an almost apology.

"Right, right." Luke nodded. "Did you say "goodbye" to your mom?"

"Yeah, we're good. I gave her a cellphone number that's pretty permanent." Jess told him. Noticing Luke's expression he said, "Just got it. Left it for you on the fridge."

"Good."

"I want to pay you back..." Jess stared, "all the money"

"You don't have to." Luke insisted. Because Jess was family, that's just what you do for family.

Jess shook his head. "I want to. And I appreciate it...everything -- the money, living here."

"Well, it's good to hear, but I kind of knew that." Luke gave Jess a small smile.

"Yeah, but," Jess smirked, "in a relationship -- any relationship -- it's important to let the other person know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers that delay any hope for reciprocation." Jess quoted the infamous self help book.

Luke had a knowing glint in his eye, "I think I read that somewhere."

"Yeah?"

"You're hoping for reciprocation?" Jess nodded shyly. "You got it. I'm here, Jess. I'm always here."

"Thanks." Jess went to shake Luke's hand and was pulled into a hug. A lengthy hug but Jess wasn't complaining, it was comforting. "The tie work out?"

"The tie was perfect." Luke patted Jess' shoulder. Jess smiled, nodding in acknowledgment, before quickly slipping out the door.

 **xxxxx**

 _author's note:_

 _please review! I enjoy reading them!_


	5. five: rory

**five: rory.**

There it was, Yale. The big intimidating building looked even more so at night. And Jess was slightly scared. Scared of the building, scared of what might happen.

But it was whatever, his feelings were clouding his head and he was far past caring.

And she was there, she was there with Dean. Jess felt his breath catch in his throat. Rory was here with _Dean_. Were they together again?

So maybe being stuck in his feelings wasn't the best idea because he truly and genuinely wanted to _cry_. She was here with Dean. Dean, it seemed to always be Dean.

And then she noticed him.

"What are you doing here?" Rory demanded, her heart suddenly in her throat.

Jess took a deep breath and tried to ignore Dean. "I need to talk to you."

"Jess—"

Jess cut off Dean with a glare. "I _need to talk to you._ " Rory was confused, Jess could tell — hell, he was confused too.

"What's going on?"

"What are you doing here?" Rory demanded shakily. Jess can't be here, she doesn't need this. Not now.

"Rory, please." Jess was close to begging, to hell with his reputation.

"Rory?" Dean continued to pry.

Rory turned to Dean, "Go — go home."

"No." Dean insisted.

"Yes, go." Rory snapped. "You should go."

Rory turned back to Jess. "Why won't you leave me alone? You won't go away."

"Rory." Jess' head was spinning, all he could think about was how much he _loved_ her.

"What do you want?"

"I don't know." Jess confessed. "I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I just..."

"What?"

"Come with me." Jess wasn't expecting himself to be so rash, he just _needed_ her.

"What?"

"Come with me." Jess repeated, more sure of himself.

"Where?" Rory had to admit she was curious. Jess was back. Jess was back for _her._

"I don't know...away!"

"Are you crazy?" The reality of everything came crashing in on Rory.

"Probably." Jess admired. "Do it. Come with me. Don't think about it."

"I can't do that." Rory opened her door and Jess was quick to follow her in.

"You don't think you can do it but you can. You can do whatever you want." Jess insisted. He wanted to beg her. God did he just want to _be with her._

"It's not what I want."

"It is. I know you."

"You don't know me!"

"Look, we'll go to New York. We'll work, we'll live together, we'll be together. It's what I want. It's what you want, too." Jess was definitely begging her now. He didn't care, it was killing him being away from her.

He just needed her to come with him.

"No!"

"I want to be with you, but not here." Jess gestured around him. "Not this place, not Stars Hollow. We have to start new."

"There's nothing to start!"

"You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. You can count on me now." Jess' voice cracked. His emotions were on overdrive. "I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can!"

"No!"

"Look," Jess countered, "you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too. I know you do."

"No, no, no, no, no!" Rory's eyes were filling up with tears and it was breaking his heart. He just _needed_ her

"Don't say "no" just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say "no" if you really don't want to be with me." Jess waited for her. Jess waited for her to make or break him.

"No!"

It was like a blow to the stomach. It felt like she single handedly ripped his heart out and stomped on it.

And god, did he want to cry.

But he just nodded. He nodded, feeling incredibly small, and just turned around and walked away. Walked away from her and walked away from the best part of him. He walked away and gave up. He gave up on forcing himself not to cry.

He just let it happen.

Jess just sat and cried for a good five minutes before gathering himself up, taking a shakey breath, and continued to walk away.

But something stopped him.

"Jess."

"What?" his voice was hoarse. He winced slightly, hoping she didn't notice.

"Stay, will you?" Rory asked timidly, causing Jess to spin around to face her so quickly his head throbbed.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Rory, I —"

"Don't." Rory stopped him.

"Rory."

She shook her head. "Don't say it. Please, don't say it," she begged him. His heart was breaking and she knew what was coming.

"I love you, okay? I fucking love you, don't you know that?" he exclaimed. "Somewhere along the way, I fell so deeply in love with you that I cannot find fresh air. I can't breathe when I'm around you. You smile at me and, for just one second, I think you feel it, too. You laugh and my heart feels like it could burst at the sound. You hug me and I feel like you're the perfect jigsaw piece I've been missing all along. You got under my skin. You're apart of everything I am. How could you expect me to keep it to myself?"

Tears streamed down her cheeks. She loved him, she did. She wanted him to have the fairytale ending that he deserved and that she wanted. She just couldn't be the one to give it to him. It broke her heart to hear him say all these words he could never take back, because she knew that once they were spoken, things could never be the same. He was her best friend. She was going to lose her best friend. Even after he had left without a word, even after she had finally gotten over the first time they tried — she loved him. she always would.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry, but I can't. I can't do this now, with you. I just, I can't do it. I can't just run away with you. My mind is racing and I want to just say yes, but—"

"But what? What else could you possibly need Rory? I love you! I love you and I want to be with you and I _know_ you want to be with me too. Please, what else do you need?" he pleaded. "I've given you everything you've needed, what else could their be?"

"I," she took a shaky breath, "I need stability. I need to know you'll always be here. I _need_ you to not leave and run away. I need you to just _talk_ to me about whatever you're thinking in that beautiful mind of yours. I just need you to let me in!"

He just stared at her and she stared back with crystal tear stained cheeks. She was scared. She was scared he wouldn't be able to promise her he'd stay and continue to stay. She was also scared that he would say it just to have her.

Finally, he spoke, "I love you Rory, there's no chance in hell that I'm going anywhere other than right where you are and right where you want me to be."


End file.
